How Infertility changed things.

How Infertility has changed us,

I will never again be able to say 'When we have a baby'
it's usually 'if I get pregnant' or sometimes when I'm feeling optimistic in the ttc world I say I sure hope I will be pregnant soon myself, but deep down its always only 'if'
That's the way it's been for the past 6 years or so since I realised it probably won't just happen even though it did happen once but that was October 2006 which went horrifically wrong and nothing since then despite then both me and Dh weren't the fittest or healthiest then but
Ironically now we are both in peak condition living a super healthy lifestyle and fertility treatments and nothing.

I wake up everyday like this is a dream, then I remember its real and although I'm far from alone in infertility I've met so many who were or who are in my shoes,
It was simply a shock to the system to be 18,19,20 and just not get pregnant easily then finally get their at 21 to end only to in surgery and pregnancy loss.

And the renewed hopes of the years of 21,22 thinking it would happen, because it did before.
I had my first IUI at age 22 by age 23 I had 3 failed iui's.
I know age is just a number but in the fertility world it matters and it made me feel like such a failure as this is the time that your supposed to do it 'once' accidentally and your guaranteed to be knocked up.
I had to learn the hard way that is not true for everyone.


So what good has come of Infertility?

Well both Dh and I no longer smoke and haven't done so for years,
We don't drink, We both lost weight and have maintained the loss,
We exercise,
We have routines and we keep a very healthy lifestyle which is wonderful for us.

Relationship wise it has brought us closer and closer together he was there for me through all my doctors appointments and procedures.
Sometimes its really hard for him as I get emotional and cry alot.
But We always feel like its just Us against the world fighting together side by side because in our real life few understand and many don't even attempt to.
But it's not too bad all the time
We understand each and we can talk about anything we try to never repress any of our feelings, We disagree often but we always come to understand the other side.

I really hope people don't perceive this as a big pity party because it's not
Infertility has made me stronger,
made my marriage strong and has made us fighting fit.
I'm somewhat religious and I believe in a way that we are being tested in life.
I have a message for 'him'
I think we're ready already to move on to the next level please let the next great test in our lives be parenthood.

Whats going on with me now

April 8th another bfn :(
April 9th Af started so here we are now at cd8 of cycle 38 trying to conceive since my ectopic pregnancy.
This is probably my last 'natural chance' cycle as I'm due to start IVF in mid May if my cycle doesn't go awol again.
1: I'm doing wheatgrass (doing this for the past 3 months ) 2:
Pineapple after ovulation and before too in the earlier stages of cycle as it boosts uterine lining but not too close 'o' as it can cause acidic Cm (cervical mucus)
3: Evening primrose oil 1000mg x 3 times daily until 'o'
4: benylin cough syrup for me and dh in fertile window to thin my cm and thin out his semem. Been doing this for about 6/7 cycles mostly focusing on Dh due to his previous viscosity issue.
5:All our usual healthy living,supplements and rountines. And of course temping and opks.

Quite nervous about IVF We have all the meds now awhole lot of them, all the needles and the puregon (follistim in america) injector pen.
For us its a little more complicated as we're supposed to fly on the 25/26th of April to my husbands country for treatment then have my pre ivf scan/ultrasound either before or during Af (eek) to check for cysts then we start hopefully around May 11-13th.
We don't know what will happen to our flight,
as all of european airspace is in standstill (closed airports) due to a volcanic ash clouds from on erupting volcano in Iceland.
Hopefully it stops soon as there is talk of flight restrictions of up to 6 months depending on severity.