Starting again Plans for IVF no.2

So doctors appointment yesterday with my new doctor a woman this time round makes a big change after 3+years of a male doctor.
First I want to make things clear,
I'm pretty trusting of my old doctor (although I have some small doubts)
Basiclly everything he did was acceptable in my treatment,
But I want someone who is willing to try new things not just stick to the same old,and someone who trys a little bit harder and is more thorough in the process,more blood tests etc.
And the 99% factor of why I'm not continuing with him is because he changed to a clinic with a bad reputation and my own instincts told me from once I went there that they just aren't right.
Now I'm back to the clinc where my first ivf was supposed to be,
the clinic with the best reputation in the country and I have the doctor with the best reputation.
Now there isn't many to choose from,
Its a small country and there are 3 clinics in my city (the capital) and there are about 3 clinics elsewhere in the country.

So what went down.
I had a few tests done will get the results back on July 2,
I have a cyst which is 2.5cm.
I'm not too surprised as its just 11 days into the cycle after failed ivf cd10 at the time of the ultrasound it could be worse.
My ovaries seem to have gone down in size and everything else is ok,
Except my lining is really thin but we think thats coz the cyst is eating all my estrogen so I can't get ready to ovulate or grow my lining.
I'm trying to get rid of this cyst naturally like I did last time and if not we'll see what happens
whether I need medications or not.
I'll probably have to take progesterone for 10 days to bring on a period then when I'm 21 days into the next cycle I'll get a shot of medication called dipherline and that well put me into down regulation as this time we're doing the long protocol (agonist) So that puts me at starting stims in somewhere in August.
I don't know everything yet but I know she also wants me taking some extra meds to improve quality of uterine lining and something to bring down my immune system to encourage implantion.
I'm excited and motivated to try new things
It just sucks I have to wait to start but I know its better to give my body time to heal.
I just wish it wasn't so financialy tough to wait we're now stuck here til Mid september like it or not with no income.
Anyways thats all I have for now.

why does it hurt so much and the never ending wish to make everyone understand

I'm broken but I'm alive and I'm still here.
Like another girl who suffered infertility said 'I walked around those years like a zombie'
I go through life wishing it away for the pathetic hope that one day my dream will come true that the test will be positive and more so that one day I get to hold my baby in my arms, get to watch them grow,crawl,talk,walk
all the things that humans do.
I know that I am strong,
but I also know that I am more hardened,more bitter and more jealous than I've ever been in my life at the same time on the inside I'm tiny and fragile.

I believe in reasons,destiny and faith. I know that theres a reason this is lives path for me but I'm forever asking why and there is never any answer only silence.
Why did I fall into the 10% who have infertility?
why did I fall into the 1% of people who have ectopic pregnancies? and why did I fall into the 50% in my age group who don't get pregnant on there first ivf cycle?
Nobody knows nobody can answer this.
It took us 3 years to get pregnant with my ectopic.
In that time I had accepted myself as sterile and something came along and at the same time and smashed my heart with a sledgehammer and at the same time gave me this unbearable hope.
The tiny voice in my head that said and still says only quieter these days
'If you've done it once, you can do it again'

But 3 and a half years later,
one hsg,
5 iui's,
one more laparoscopy and 1 failed ivf
and I'm still here all I have is that tiny voice and I don't know whether to believe it anymore.
I don't know if I can give up.
The facts say I need to give this 4 cycles and then consider moving on.
So thats 3 more trys,
sounds like a lot of money and a hell of a lot of heartbreak not to mention a broken body physically.
But I know this is the road I will go,
because I am not capable of giving up no matter how much it hurts.

I just wish everyone could understand,
more so I wish no one was infertile only the bad people in this world.
but so far it seems to be the opposite most infertiles I have met are educated,intelligent and responsible people.
And I know 'fertile' parents can be great parents too but they'll never be as good as the infertiles because for them becoming parents was easy to achieve the hard part comes after.
For us the hard part is not one part it is EVERY part:
to get pregnant,to stay pregnant and to raise our children the best we can.
But we would be the best because we loved them and planned them for so long that if we can fight this battle.
we damn well would do the best for them when they finally come into this world.

IVF no1 the end of that road.

Honestly I don't know how to convey my emotions about how I feel over what has happened the past few weeks. It looks like I made a bad call sticking with my doctor.
Its not his fault but he transfered clinics to one with a much poorer lab and reputation and I was informed only at my final ultrasound before egg retrieval.

I had a split second to make a decision and I chose to stick with him. My poor med filled brain was barely working at the time and I was still in shock.
I didn't know the clinic either so I hoped it wouldn't be so bad,
But on going there for retrieval we were shocked at this small place and when I met the embryologist my instincts said this is going to be bad, they didn't want us to go to blastocyst either.
Its so bad and I think its there fault I didn't have more embryos and some to freeze I mean we had 9 embryos,
a 100% fertilization rate,
all 9 where absolutely fine on day 3 and all of them were alive with no abnormalities on day 6 they just 'slowed down' I think that she just didn't know how to look after them :(
But yesterday we were in contact with the 'fertility association' and the woman who has also done IVF there and did not get pregnant said that in all her 6 years in the business shes never heard one success story from that clinic.

Of course I can say all this and we all know there was a 50% chance that it would failed anyway so we'll never know anything for sure.
Its just so sad to lose my doctor. I really believe in him as a doctor and we may use him for the cycle monitoring at his private clinic,
not at that place and then do the IVF at our chosen clinic.
We have 3 contenders:
one is a neighbouring country 300km away with a better price and success rate and long time in the business.
two: is the clinic we were supposed to go with who have a very good reputation and I know there embryologist for my iui days she has a good rep.
three: is another fertility clinic decent enough success rate,long time in the business.
I think the choice is mainly between one and two but we'll see.

I'm so upset not only did I lose my babies( to me it was a loss).
But I have to go through this again and we will send ourselves really broke this time but stopping now is not on option.
Thats what happens if IVF NO.2 doesn't work :(
Unless we get snowbabies this time we'll need to stop for minimum of 1 year and max 18 months.
I just put that max in now, because screw it I won't be waiting longer than that.
I'd probably hang myself, well not really but it would really push the limits of my sanity.

I've learned a lot this time I pray its enough to make IVF NO.2 be the one for us.
I know I need more meds next time my e2 levels were too low, he was conservative due to the fact it looked like I had so many follies on screen but so many of them turned out to be empty.
I'm also considering two transfers in one cycle .
put two on day 3 and another 2 on day 5 not sure if the other clinics will let me do this. My doctor would have.
We'll see its all a lot of maybes right now.
We're meeting with a woman from the fertility assosiation thursday evening then we'll have a lot more info.

Embryo transfer

After all the battles ,pains and struggles .
We made it. We now have two blastocysts on board as of this morning.
Its sad we didn't have anything to freeze but we put back the strongest two now we hope and pray they'll make themselves at home until february 2011.

Really really scared

Yesterday evening they called day 4 and said although all 9 are still alive only 2 are exactly on time progress wise.
I'm so worried about them,
transfer is scheduled for day 6 saturday but I'm so worried that something will happen to my babies and we won't make it to transfer please pray for us anyone out there.