So Today I'm 7wks2days each day is like a rollercoaster I'm up and down each day.
The main drama now is my morning sickness which was nausea every day until yesterday que terror and fear and panic.
It came back in waves later in the day.
And today its still nothing like it was last week. I don't know i'm hoping and praying its normal.
I honestly thought I Wouldn't get sickness at all but then it started at 6wks1day.
It could be easing up becauase I Changed my diet and reduced my acidic food intake just so I could eat.
I've had two ultrasounds one at 5wks4days which showed twins and one at 6wks4days which showed twins with heartbeats.
Tomorrow its time to go again . Couldnt be more nervous hope both of my babies are doing ok.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
The fear involved with Pregnancy especially after infertility
So here I am today I'm Five weeks Pregnant.
This time last week I found out the wonderful news which has changed our lives.
So first beta was 10dp5dt =419
Second beta was 14dp5dt =1881
But the happiness brings with it a bucketload of fears.
It took us 4 years to get here Four years of very active trying.
3 years of medical assistance.
Surgery ,5 iui's ,1 failed ivf and now finally this Second ivf sent us broke but brought us the ultimate joy.
Just waiting to 12 weeks to announce it to the world Although so much family know already.
But for now its baby steps every day every week is on achievement.
First Ultrasound at 5wks4days on September 30th.
I keep telling myself do not build yourself up to see the hearbeat its probably too early.
But I'm just so hoping :-)
I'm tired,dizzy,on/off cramps,bloated and oh so hungry.
And a new found sense of smell. Some headaches and random blocked nostril.
Need to pee once a night usually.
Cravings Salty, pickles ,tomato juice ,tomato and cheese everything.
If you read this please Pray for us and our babies I Really love them so much and feel so blessed to be pregnant. And I pray they will make it safely to full term.
This time last week I found out the wonderful news which has changed our lives.
So first beta was 10dp5dt =419
Second beta was 14dp5dt =1881
But the happiness brings with it a bucketload of fears.
It took us 4 years to get here Four years of very active trying.
3 years of medical assistance.
Surgery ,5 iui's ,1 failed ivf and now finally this Second ivf sent us broke but brought us the ultimate joy.
Just waiting to 12 weeks to announce it to the world Although so much family know already.
But for now its baby steps every day every week is on achievement.
First Ultrasound at 5wks4days on September 30th.
I keep telling myself do not build yourself up to see the hearbeat its probably too early.
But I'm just so hoping :-)
I'm tired,dizzy,on/off cramps,bloated and oh so hungry.
And a new found sense of smell. Some headaches and random blocked nostril.
Need to pee once a night usually.
Cravings Salty, pickles ,tomato juice ,tomato and cheese everything.
If you read this please Pray for us and our babies I Really love them so much and feel so blessed to be pregnant. And I pray they will make it safely to full term.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
It's our time after 4 years I'm PREGNANT
So Ivf number two worked theres a baby or two or three in there now.
I've never been so happy and worried at the same time.
Beta was 419 at 15dpo (10dp5dt) Next beta tomorrow praying for good results.
I've never been so happy and worried at the same time.
Beta was 419 at 15dpo (10dp5dt) Next beta tomorrow praying for good results.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
3 on board this time
So we have 3 embryo's on board
two since wednesday and 1 since yesterday friday and what a journey to get the third on board.
First of all we left with on hour and 10 minutes to allow for friday rush hour traffic.
Once we got on the main road we knew something was wrong but we thought it was something like bearings or something worse.
Less than half way there I said stop and check this isn't right. We had a puncture on a back tyre.
Luckily I knew a nearby garage.
Yes me You heard Me right not my Husband, Me.
I'd seen it a million times in passing but he didn't even know it was there.
We only had 45mins or less to go.
Once we took it off they were laughing loudly and pulled a five inch piece of metal out of the tyre.
Can you believe the luck of this that this went down on the way to our embryo transfer.
Well I guess our luck was in coz the tyre was repairable and relatively quickly
But now for the next drama I needed to pee and I mean painful like I need a full bladder for the transfer but I'd gone into overfill.
But unfortunately the Garage toilet would have been impossible to use it was just crazy dirty.
So we slowly made our way accross on entire shopping centre.
Me like a penguin with my overfull bladder and triple there normal size ovaries
Anyways got there and what ya think A Queue .
Anyways we got there a min late.
We're always early but anyways in the end we had to wait an extra 25mins but it all went well.
These two transfers this Ivf cycle have been the best transfers ever no pain maybe just a pinch what a difference a different doctor makes.
Now we wait
ech I hate waiting especially since I'm supposed to be calm and relax.
I need more distraction.
Anyways final note to self .
We froze 3 on day 2
there was 11 good ones -3 = 8 left
We put back the two best on day 3
one 10 cell and one 8 cell .
Super powered embryos couldn't be better.
then there was 6 but one was weak .
So there was 5
all of these were put in the special liquid for growing to blast out of 5,
3 made it to blast two fantastic ones and one average.
But we couldn't put back more than 1 blast now as it would be too high a risk for high order multiples.
two since wednesday and 1 since yesterday friday and what a journey to get the third on board.
First of all we left with on hour and 10 minutes to allow for friday rush hour traffic.
Once we got on the main road we knew something was wrong but we thought it was something like bearings or something worse.
Less than half way there I said stop and check this isn't right. We had a puncture on a back tyre.
Luckily I knew a nearby garage.
Yes me You heard Me right not my Husband, Me.
I'd seen it a million times in passing but he didn't even know it was there.
We only had 45mins or less to go.
Once we took it off they were laughing loudly and pulled a five inch piece of metal out of the tyre.
Can you believe the luck of this that this went down on the way to our embryo transfer.
Well I guess our luck was in coz the tyre was repairable and relatively quickly
But now for the next drama I needed to pee and I mean painful like I need a full bladder for the transfer but I'd gone into overfill.
But unfortunately the Garage toilet would have been impossible to use it was just crazy dirty.
So we slowly made our way accross on entire shopping centre.
Me like a penguin with my overfull bladder and triple there normal size ovaries
Anyways got there and what ya think A Queue .
Anyways we got there a min late.
We're always early but anyways in the end we had to wait an extra 25mins but it all went well.
These two transfers this Ivf cycle have been the best transfers ever no pain maybe just a pinch what a difference a different doctor makes.
Now we wait
ech I hate waiting especially since I'm supposed to be calm and relax.
I need more distraction.
Anyways final note to self .
We froze 3 on day 2
there was 11 good ones -3 = 8 left
We put back the two best on day 3
one 10 cell and one 8 cell .
Super powered embryos couldn't be better.
then there was 6 but one was weak .
So there was 5
all of these were put in the special liquid for growing to blast out of 5,
3 made it to blast two fantastic ones and one average.
But we couldn't put back more than 1 blast now as it would be too high a risk for high order multiples.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
one hurdle crossed a few more obstacles
So I'm going to go ahead with egg retrieval on Sunday just about scraped through to being allowed.
Very mixed feelings about this I don't want to end up in hospital over this but thats the problem I really am at a higher risk of that now :(
I don't know all I can do is hope I can overcome it without too much difficulty.
Theres a huge fear now about the nex 7-10days I could hyperstimulate at any time.
eekk always with the oposites from low blood levels last cycle to uber high blood levels this time round
I can't ever just be in the middle sigh.
Very mixed feelings about this I don't want to end up in hospital over this but thats the problem I really am at a higher risk of that now :(
I don't know all I can do is hope I can overcome it without too much difficulty.
Theres a huge fear now about the nex 7-10days I could hyperstimulate at any time.
eekk always with the oposites from low blood levels last cycle to uber high blood levels this time round
I can't ever just be in the middle sigh.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
I'm offically a balloon
As of monday I'm a freaken balloon but it didn't get really bad until Wednesday.
I'm so bloated in the stomach even my hands and face are a little bloated.
And it hurts (not badly) this is totally different to last time where I only bloated after retrieval.
Tomorrows my blood test and ultrasound.
I'm praying for a not too high e2 level so I can go ahead with retrieval on sunday and also that all my eggs are ready of course.
To my future potential children
I wish you could know how much we love you and we wish that you will decide to stay here with us (at least one or two of you anyways) I'm not interested in becoming octomom or something like that but we'll take however many we get.
I'm so bloated in the stomach even my hands and face are a little bloated.
And it hurts (not badly) this is totally different to last time where I only bloated after retrieval.
Tomorrows my blood test and ultrasound.
I'm praying for a not too high e2 level so I can go ahead with retrieval on sunday and also that all my eggs are ready of course.
To my future potential children
I wish you could know how much we love you and we wish that you will decide to stay here with us (at least one or two of you anyways) I'm not interested in becoming octomom or something like that but we'll take however many we get.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Struggling with IVF
If I/You think I was complaining before I take it all back from the first IVF cycle.
This cycle is completely different the major changes are below:
Change of doctor from male to female.
Change to doctor I don't know as opposed to my regular of three years.
Change of protocol from Short (antagonist) to Long (agonist)
Change of costs this IVF is costing us a lot more.
Each appointment is triple the cost.
The actual procedure is the same/slightly cheaper.
We'll spend at least 1500 on blood tests and near 1000 on meds that we didn't have to last time :(
And its still the same my doctor is so busy we'll always have to wait around. Except for retrieval and transfer (at least i'm hoping)
My dosage I Started higher on 175iu last time started on 150iu.
At my first appointment I was decreased in my first IVF.
This time I've been increased to 200iu due to poor response.
Well not extremely poor but still only about 7 or 8 follies this time.
We'll see the most important thing is that the result will be the opposite.
Turning the negative of last cycle into positive.
Trying my hypnotism cds as of yesterday.
Hope they'll help me be more positive.
This cycle is completely different the major changes are below:
Change of doctor from male to female.
Change to doctor I don't know as opposed to my regular of three years.
Change of protocol from Short (antagonist) to Long (agonist)
Change of costs this IVF is costing us a lot more.
Each appointment is triple the cost.
The actual procedure is the same/slightly cheaper.
We'll spend at least 1500 on blood tests and near 1000 on meds that we didn't have to last time :(
And its still the same my doctor is so busy we'll always have to wait around. Except for retrieval and transfer (at least i'm hoping)
My dosage I Started higher on 175iu last time started on 150iu.
At my first appointment I was decreased in my first IVF.
This time I've been increased to 200iu due to poor response.
Well not extremely poor but still only about 7 or 8 follies this time.
We'll see the most important thing is that the result will be the opposite.
Turning the negative of last cycle into positive.
Trying my hypnotism cds as of yesterday.
Hope they'll help me be more positive.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
All about the drama with the weather and the electricity and waiting 3 plus hours to see the doctor.
I don't know I haven't seen weather like this ever before.
It was a crazy summer of storms,floods and excessive heat.
More than 20 days this summer I seen above 30 degrees heats about 15 of them close to 35 degrees. I don't like heat anything over 25 degrees is too much.
Anyways wouldn't be so bad if the floods didn't screw our sewarge system irreversably
or the I don't know how many powercuts several of them for 14 hours.
I wouldn't mind if it wasn't for my ivf medications which need to be kept between 2 and 8 degrees at all times.
The night before last the power was cut and the meds were 10 hours in a fridge without electricty :( then we brought them to Danas's brothers house and then took them back again coz the power was back.
Then last nite it all happened again.
Storms power gone in the middle of the night but luckily this time it came back after one hour.
But it woke us up and kept us stressing for that hour as we were both sure it would be gone for a long time.
Those two nights in a row plus the time it cut in the evening last week.
I mean come on 3 times in one week and at least 4 other times this summer.
Especially since this morning was the time for me to start using that medication for the first time in this new Ivf cycle.
And its the force of nature that keeps threatening us.
Although its obvious the cables aren't up to standard in our area :(
Every time the storms start I just pray and pray for everyone and everything but especially that the power won't go out.
It's so unfair we just need it to hold on for two weeks now but the forecast is threatening and we're not able to do anything except hope we can pull through.
Its not hot anymore well not proper hot but the weather is still so extreme with these flash flood storms.
Now about the rest of what happened yesterday the Blood test and my doctors appointment.
Went to get my Blood taken before 8am all with the stress of Not been able to shower because the electricty was gone.
Which meant we had no water at all.
Our water is by on electric pump so when there's no electricity
there's no water.
Came home after 10am gave up all hope of power coming back in time and went to Danas's brothers house to bring the medicine to his fridge and to get a shower.
Thank God he was home that day because I needed to have a ultrasound which yesterday was cd2 eek.
I probably would have had to cancel otherwise.
Ok so all that done
We arrived at the doctors for just before 12.
My doctor didn't arrive until 12.30 but I didn't have set appointment( she wants it that way not me)
So waiting,waiting,waiting
at 13.40 we got in to see her
only because I had a deadline of on injection at 2pm which I needed to get the medication off her.
Got the meds Injected in broad daylight in the car.
Man that was some crazy shit never did that before all my other injections were always at home.
I needed to get my ultrasound done so I had to go back and wait. And again waiting,waiting,waiting
for about 40 mins
finally got in for the scan.
And found out my blood results were a little bit high so we had to wait until today to start the injections.
So now I inject one med at 7.30am and one at 2pm every day for the next 2 weeks +/-
My next appointment is on Friday.
I hope we don't have to wait so long.
Anyways after we went shopping I had on emotional spell with crying and crazy hot flashes I've been having on/off hot flashes but yesterday they reached peak level. Air conditioning in the shopping centre didn't help.
Anyways way too much drama. Then you know the rest.
Today I'm trying to recover but I'm going through anxiety combined with massive excitement to be finally getting somewhere and hot flashes and tiredness
This time is at least 5 times more complicated than last time but the focus I have in all of this is
It's all about the hope for a positive end result.
It was a crazy summer of storms,floods and excessive heat.
More than 20 days this summer I seen above 30 degrees heats about 15 of them close to 35 degrees. I don't like heat anything over 25 degrees is too much.
Anyways wouldn't be so bad if the floods didn't screw our sewarge system irreversably
or the I don't know how many powercuts several of them for 14 hours.
I wouldn't mind if it wasn't for my ivf medications which need to be kept between 2 and 8 degrees at all times.
The night before last the power was cut and the meds were 10 hours in a fridge without electricty :( then we brought them to Danas's brothers house and then took them back again coz the power was back.
Then last nite it all happened again.
Storms power gone in the middle of the night but luckily this time it came back after one hour.
But it woke us up and kept us stressing for that hour as we were both sure it would be gone for a long time.
Those two nights in a row plus the time it cut in the evening last week.
I mean come on 3 times in one week and at least 4 other times this summer.
Especially since this morning was the time for me to start using that medication for the first time in this new Ivf cycle.
And its the force of nature that keeps threatening us.
Although its obvious the cables aren't up to standard in our area :(
Every time the storms start I just pray and pray for everyone and everything but especially that the power won't go out.
It's so unfair we just need it to hold on for two weeks now but the forecast is threatening and we're not able to do anything except hope we can pull through.
Its not hot anymore well not proper hot but the weather is still so extreme with these flash flood storms.
Now about the rest of what happened yesterday the Blood test and my doctors appointment.
Went to get my Blood taken before 8am all with the stress of Not been able to shower because the electricty was gone.
Which meant we had no water at all.
Our water is by on electric pump so when there's no electricity
there's no water.
Came home after 10am gave up all hope of power coming back in time and went to Danas's brothers house to bring the medicine to his fridge and to get a shower.
Thank God he was home that day because I needed to have a ultrasound which yesterday was cd2 eek.
I probably would have had to cancel otherwise.
Ok so all that done
We arrived at the doctors for just before 12.
My doctor didn't arrive until 12.30 but I didn't have set appointment( she wants it that way not me)
So waiting,waiting,waiting
at 13.40 we got in to see her
only because I had a deadline of on injection at 2pm which I needed to get the medication off her.
Got the meds Injected in broad daylight in the car.
Man that was some crazy shit never did that before all my other injections were always at home.
I needed to get my ultrasound done so I had to go back and wait. And again waiting,waiting,waiting
for about 40 mins
finally got in for the scan.
And found out my blood results were a little bit high so we had to wait until today to start the injections.
So now I inject one med at 7.30am and one at 2pm every day for the next 2 weeks +/-
My next appointment is on Friday.
I hope we don't have to wait so long.
Anyways after we went shopping I had on emotional spell with crying and crazy hot flashes I've been having on/off hot flashes but yesterday they reached peak level. Air conditioning in the shopping centre didn't help.
Anyways way too much drama. Then you know the rest.
Today I'm trying to recover but I'm going through anxiety combined with massive excitement to be finally getting somewhere and hot flashes and tiredness
This time is at least 5 times more complicated than last time but the focus I have in all of this is
It's all about the hope for a positive end result.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Still waiting To get this show started again
Eek I'm so sick of waiting.
I was over optimisticly hoping AF would show up early
But no, still not here supposed to arrive 2moro.
Which will be day 14 of my injections so far.
I'm afraid of two things either that I'll be not shut down enough or I'll be too shut down.
I have to go for my next blood test Whenever is cd1
but if its tomorrow than I have to wait til day 2.
Either way I'm back at the doctor on monday to get more meds.
I can't say how much I know I'm lucky to get this second chance at IVF.
I hate going through this but I need the hope that it might work this time.
It's super stressful because we don't have enough money to be doing this.
I would feel guilty if I had the chance to do this for free like in many other countries,
But at the same time I wish we did have that.
Then we'd only have to worry about taking physical limitation breaks instead of the much longer financial status induced breaks.
Of course no country covers more than 3 free IVF cycles so if thats not enough anyway your on your own .
But that would be a massive help.
Still considering moving to one of those countries just for that option.
But maybe this time will work ;) damn there are just too many 'buts' and 'ifs' in INFERTILITY.
Nothing in life is guaranteed but even moreso in our situation.
I was over optimisticly hoping AF would show up early
But no, still not here supposed to arrive 2moro.
Which will be day 14 of my injections so far.
I'm afraid of two things either that I'll be not shut down enough or I'll be too shut down.
I have to go for my next blood test Whenever is cd1
but if its tomorrow than I have to wait til day 2.
Either way I'm back at the doctor on monday to get more meds.
I can't say how much I know I'm lucky to get this second chance at IVF.
I hate going through this but I need the hope that it might work this time.
It's super stressful because we don't have enough money to be doing this.
I would feel guilty if I had the chance to do this for free like in many other countries,
But at the same time I wish we did have that.
Then we'd only have to worry about taking physical limitation breaks instead of the much longer financial status induced breaks.
Of course no country covers more than 3 free IVF cycles so if thats not enough anyway your on your own .
But that would be a massive help.
Still considering moving to one of those countries just for that option.
But maybe this time will work ;) damn there are just too many 'buts' and 'ifs' in INFERTILITY.
Nothing in life is guaranteed but even moreso in our situation.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
The start of something new IVF no.2
So I don't know how to feel anymore.
I started my down regulation injections on monday and now I have to inject them now and every day for 3+a half maybe four weeks or even more.
Somewhere along that time I'll start up the Puregon (Follistim)
so I'll be on two different injections per day
approx total injection count for the next 4-5weeks equals 40-50 injections.
Or in other words: a hell of a lot more than last time, at least double.
Heres hoping for at least double the results of last time ;) as in more embies and more blastocysts.
And I really really hope that this will work but I honestly don't know if it will
and I don't know if I should tell myself it will,
Coz thats just torture but,
I guess in my subconcious
I'm over confident coz if I wasn't
I wouldn't be throwing every last cent we have at the doctor.
I don't really know if we'll have any money left to survive at the end of this
looks really bad right now financially
but I don't regret trying because after this I will have to stop like I said before theres just no question of that being any other way.
I started my down regulation injections on monday and now I have to inject them now and every day for 3+a half maybe four weeks or even more.
Somewhere along that time I'll start up the Puregon (Follistim)
so I'll be on two different injections per day
approx total injection count for the next 4-5weeks equals 40-50 injections.
Or in other words: a hell of a lot more than last time, at least double.
Heres hoping for at least double the results of last time ;) as in more embies and more blastocysts.
And I really really hope that this will work but I honestly don't know if it will
and I don't know if I should tell myself it will,
Coz thats just torture but,
I guess in my subconcious
I'm over confident coz if I wasn't
I wouldn't be throwing every last cent we have at the doctor.
I don't really know if we'll have any money left to survive at the end of this
looks really bad right now financially
but I don't regret trying because after this I will have to stop like I said before theres just no question of that being any other way.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Just a little note on my testing and maybe a rant ;)
So I got back my immune testing results and everything is normal.
All my tests are fine.
I don't like that my LH is higher than my FSH which indicts Pcos but so far the doctor says the levels are fine I'll talk to her again about it at my appointment on the 6th August.
MY FSH is 6.3 which is in the good egg quality/quantity but it makes me sad coz at 25 I expected it to be half that and in the excellent quality/quanity.
There are two things that majorly suck about this I have spent 200 euros on blood tests alone this month and all my results are fine so I didn't really need these tests but I guess I wouldn't have known that unless I did them thats my consolation.
The second thing is both me and Dh are upset about is there are NO ANSWERS,NO REASON WHY. If something came back in these tests we could have added extra meds to counteract it but theres nothing they can find.
I have eggs,
he has sperm, We make embryos's just fine with a 100% fertilization rate without Icsi
The average is 70%.
We got to blastocyst despite the shitty lab/embryologist we had,
Theres nothing wrong with my womb.
I've never had polyps,mioma's just a perfectly normal womb.
But it just doesn't work for us not 5 iui's ,a few tsi cycles and 1 ivf and nearly 7 years of unprotected sex.
I'm not giving up I'll go down fighting thats the way I am. This is not a battle anymore its a WAR. Hopefully we can win this war very soon.
All my tests are fine.
I don't like that my LH is higher than my FSH which indicts Pcos but so far the doctor says the levels are fine I'll talk to her again about it at my appointment on the 6th August.
MY FSH is 6.3 which is in the good egg quality/quantity but it makes me sad coz at 25 I expected it to be half that and in the excellent quality/quanity.
There are two things that majorly suck about this I have spent 200 euros on blood tests alone this month and all my results are fine so I didn't really need these tests but I guess I wouldn't have known that unless I did them thats my consolation.
The second thing is both me and Dh are upset about is there are NO ANSWERS,NO REASON WHY. If something came back in these tests we could have added extra meds to counteract it but theres nothing they can find.
I have eggs,
he has sperm, We make embryos's just fine with a 100% fertilization rate without Icsi
The average is 70%.
We got to blastocyst despite the shitty lab/embryologist we had,
Theres nothing wrong with my womb.
I've never had polyps,mioma's just a perfectly normal womb.
But it just doesn't work for us not 5 iui's ,a few tsi cycles and 1 ivf and nearly 7 years of unprotected sex.
I'm not giving up I'll go down fighting thats the way I am. This is not a battle anymore its a WAR. Hopefully we can win this war very soon.
Looking back on the past.
These are photo's of me and my brothers and sister when they came over to visit me here in Lithuania in 2008.
It was great to have them here,
as at that time it was my first time moving away full time from my home country after that I didn't see them for another 14 months eekk that was a long time.
Then I moved back to Ireland for a year in April 2009
(orignally we only came back for a 10 day holiday which turned into a year ;)
Now I'm back here in Lithuania since April 2010 wasn't supposed to stay this long but we never thought we'd need IVF No.2
I'm hoping to be pregnant and back in Ireland for at the latest Halloween if not earlier.
But If you seen all my above plans you'd see things don't always go according to plan for us ;) so there are no guarantees for us except there pretty much won't be more fertility treatments for a good while if this doesn't work there just isn't the money for it.
Looking back on these times I really wish they could come back over here for a trip. We went places all the time and they rented a 7 seater it was great (well most of the time)
I want them to try out a different season here they've done winter now maybe Autumn would be good ;)
Theres all the different berries,nuts and stuff and we could hang out in the forest and plus the house is liveable now so we'd all get to stay in my place.
Definitely got more than enough sleeping space here for a lot of people its really fun to live in a big house but sometimes its empty without people to fill it.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Just my thoughts for now
Right now my Life isn't bad.
I mean I'm very up and down but todays not a bad day so far.
We are day 6 into the heatwave eek 32 degrees today not fun.
Can't get the temperature in the house down much sometimes 23 degrees at night but mostly its 25/26 degrees
We had to go out at midday to go to the town not fun when driving but nice to get out in the daytime again.
I'm so over mosquito's the real life vampires they don't get in through the windows but they do get in through the door every time we go out, sucks.
I blame myself a lot for infertility,
mostly coz I'm stressed but now I'm stressing about being stressed (cause I recognize it as bad) so I can't escape it no matter how I try.
Waiting to see if I will start acupuncture can't really afford it, can't really afford any of this but its what we have to do.
Going to have more blood tests done next week thats another 300$
This time round is so much more expensive,more expensive ultrasounds,appointments,tests everything basicly.
I wonder does it ever happens that a couple have embryos to freeze but have to let them die because they cost to much to freeze.
I'm worried it could happen to us this time hoping it won't we might not even have anything to freeze.
I want things to be different this time.
I'm lonely over here.
I wish my family could visit, thats not gonna happen.
We don't really have many friends over here and the family we have over here told us last time they visited
'you shouldn't try now cause you don't have the means for a child' we have a house no mortgage and a car so screw you.
She said that last time we did iui last year too.
Thats so easy to say for the woman who has 3 kids already.
I also know that I won't physcially be myself til after christmas if this time doesn't work,
Coz I'm putting my body through a lot to go through two ivf cycles in 3 months.
I'm not myself now, so how am I gonna be this time during treatment I just don't know.
I mean I'm very up and down but todays not a bad day so far.
We are day 6 into the heatwave eek 32 degrees today not fun.
Can't get the temperature in the house down much sometimes 23 degrees at night but mostly its 25/26 degrees
We had to go out at midday to go to the town not fun when driving but nice to get out in the daytime again.
I'm so over mosquito's the real life vampires they don't get in through the windows but they do get in through the door every time we go out, sucks.
I blame myself a lot for infertility,
mostly coz I'm stressed but now I'm stressing about being stressed (cause I recognize it as bad) so I can't escape it no matter how I try.
Waiting to see if I will start acupuncture can't really afford it, can't really afford any of this but its what we have to do.
Going to have more blood tests done next week thats another 300$
This time round is so much more expensive,more expensive ultrasounds,appointments,tests everything basicly.
I wonder does it ever happens that a couple have embryos to freeze but have to let them die because they cost to much to freeze.
I'm worried it could happen to us this time hoping it won't we might not even have anything to freeze.
I want things to be different this time.
I'm lonely over here.
I wish my family could visit, thats not gonna happen.
We don't really have many friends over here and the family we have over here told us last time they visited
'you shouldn't try now cause you don't have the means for a child' we have a house no mortgage and a car so screw you.
She said that last time we did iui last year too.
Thats so easy to say for the woman who has 3 kids already.
I also know that I won't physcially be myself til after christmas if this time doesn't work,
Coz I'm putting my body through a lot to go through two ivf cycles in 3 months.
I'm not myself now, so how am I gonna be this time during treatment I just don't know.
Monday, July 5, 2010
What they say stings but more so it hurts to know they really believe it
On Saturday on Article was published online about The plight of infertile couples and that for 11 years they have tried here (in Lithuania) To create IVF leigisalation ie so their can be donor eggs,sperm etc in this country which is currently illegal.
They also ask for IVF to be made compensatable or at least partly so under the healthcare system.
Now this isn't what caused the big problem for me,
I wish that this could happen and things could change here, We saved for this IVF and it will send us broke but what about those who can't at all?
My Husbands cousin in no way could afford treatment.
She has always wanted kids and she'll be 31 this year and still getting no where as they can't afford treatment.
It was the comments that got me down not the article. So many who said that us (infertiles) asking for this to be compensatable is the same as the asking for new cars, holidays to hawaii and other materialistic goods from the tax payer.
Its sickening.
When it was brought up that treatment for alcholics,drugs addicts and such is free and paid for by the tax payer.
They responded with don't judge the alco's
They said its our own fault that infertile people are the way they are because they chose this by having abortions and taking contraceptives (so untrue for the majority) Like fertile people don't use contraception yeah right.
They said that it natures natural selection and God's choice but how is it true?
I want to believe God can bless us with a child.
But if its natures natural selection then why are alcholics parents?,incest victims carry the children of their own parent? People with Hiv have children,
So do people that have cancer.
Why are they a better selection than us?
They make me so Mad, but at the same time they put doubt in my mind,
If so many people believe this what if its true? Should we just give up?
I don't know whats right or wrong anymore.
Maybe we're in denial, thats why we won't give up, maybe one day we'll know the answer or maybe not?
but for now we keep on trying.
They also ask for IVF to be made compensatable or at least partly so under the healthcare system.
Now this isn't what caused the big problem for me,
I wish that this could happen and things could change here, We saved for this IVF and it will send us broke but what about those who can't at all?
My Husbands cousin in no way could afford treatment.
She has always wanted kids and she'll be 31 this year and still getting no where as they can't afford treatment.
It was the comments that got me down not the article. So many who said that us (infertiles) asking for this to be compensatable is the same as the asking for new cars, holidays to hawaii and other materialistic goods from the tax payer.
Its sickening.
When it was brought up that treatment for alcholics,drugs addicts and such is free and paid for by the tax payer.
They responded with don't judge the alco's
They said its our own fault that infertile people are the way they are because they chose this by having abortions and taking contraceptives (so untrue for the majority) Like fertile people don't use contraception yeah right.
They said that it natures natural selection and God's choice but how is it true?
I want to believe God can bless us with a child.
But if its natures natural selection then why are alcholics parents?,incest victims carry the children of their own parent? People with Hiv have children,
So do people that have cancer.
Why are they a better selection than us?
They make me so Mad, but at the same time they put doubt in my mind,
If so many people believe this what if its true? Should we just give up?
I don't know whats right or wrong anymore.
Maybe we're in denial, thats why we won't give up, maybe one day we'll know the answer or maybe not?
but for now we keep on trying.
Its worth a try . Just in case he's listening
This miracle prayer should be said every day for three days. Promise publication and prayer and favour will be granted, no matter how impossible.
Dear Heart of Jesus in the past I have asked for many favours. This time I ask for a special one (mention here)
Take it dear Heart of Jesus and place it within your own broken Heart where your father sees it.
Then, in His merciful eyes it will become Your favour not mine.
Amen.
St Gerard also please hear my prayer.......
Dear Heart of Jesus in the past I have asked for many favours. This time I ask for a special one (mention here)
Take it dear Heart of Jesus and place it within your own broken Heart where your father sees it.
Then, in His merciful eyes it will become Your favour not mine.
Amen.
St Gerard also please hear my prayer.......
Friday, July 2, 2010
Update on Me and about IVF no.2
Had doctors appointment today had to wait nearly on hour over my time.
Oh well apparently this is what it's gonna be like if you want the best and busiest doctor in town.
Looks like this cycles cyst is gone. The results of my new tests came back. Don't have any infections yay.
Unfortunately we're talking 200euros more worth of blood tests need to be done in the next few weeks ahhhh.
So many tests but it'll all be worth it if we get successful treatment because of it, Might send us broke though.
But now the irony of my life my opk is almost positive today most likely to turn positive tomorrow,
But I'm to start progesterone tonight to make sure my cycle is on schedule.
So it might interfere with my ovulation, we'll see I didn't think I would ovulate now or maybe not at all this cycle,
yesterdays test was nothing there, dang it.
I'm going ahead with the meds but I might regret it, we'll see.
So Ivf no.2 is roughly set for transfer at the end of August.
I have to call whenever this period starts, so I can book the appointment get the shot for the long protocol then we wait until its time to start stims again.
Thats all for now we'll see what happens if anything changes or if I remember anything else I need to say.
Oh well apparently this is what it's gonna be like if you want the best and busiest doctor in town.
Looks like this cycles cyst is gone. The results of my new tests came back. Don't have any infections yay.
Unfortunately we're talking 200euros more worth of blood tests need to be done in the next few weeks ahhhh.
So many tests but it'll all be worth it if we get successful treatment because of it, Might send us broke though.
But now the irony of my life my opk is almost positive today most likely to turn positive tomorrow,
But I'm to start progesterone tonight to make sure my cycle is on schedule.
So it might interfere with my ovulation, we'll see I didn't think I would ovulate now or maybe not at all this cycle,
yesterdays test was nothing there, dang it.
I'm going ahead with the meds but I might regret it, we'll see.
So Ivf no.2 is roughly set for transfer at the end of August.
I have to call whenever this period starts, so I can book the appointment get the shot for the long protocol then we wait until its time to start stims again.
Thats all for now we'll see what happens if anything changes or if I remember anything else I need to say.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Starting again Plans for IVF no.2
So doctors appointment yesterday with my new doctor a woman this time round makes a big change after 3+years of a male doctor.
First I want to make things clear,
I'm pretty trusting of my old doctor (although I have some small doubts)
Basiclly everything he did was acceptable in my treatment,
But I want someone who is willing to try new things not just stick to the same old,and someone who trys a little bit harder and is more thorough in the process,more blood tests etc.
And the 99% factor of why I'm not continuing with him is because he changed to a clinic with a bad reputation and my own instincts told me from once I went there that they just aren't right.
Now I'm back to the clinc where my first ivf was supposed to be,
the clinic with the best reputation in the country and I have the doctor with the best reputation.
Now there isn't many to choose from,
Its a small country and there are 3 clinics in my city (the capital) and there are about 3 clinics elsewhere in the country.
So what went down.
I had a few tests done will get the results back on July 2,
I have a cyst which is 2.5cm.
I'm not too surprised as its just 11 days into the cycle after failed ivf cd10 at the time of the ultrasound it could be worse.
My ovaries seem to have gone down in size and everything else is ok,
Except my lining is really thin but we think thats coz the cyst is eating all my estrogen so I can't get ready to ovulate or grow my lining.
I'm trying to get rid of this cyst naturally like I did last time and if not we'll see what happens
whether I need medications or not.
I'll probably have to take progesterone for 10 days to bring on a period then when I'm 21 days into the next cycle I'll get a shot of medication called dipherline and that well put me into down regulation as this time we're doing the long protocol (agonist) So that puts me at starting stims in somewhere in August.
I don't know everything yet but I know she also wants me taking some extra meds to improve quality of uterine lining and something to bring down my immune system to encourage implantion.
I'm excited and motivated to try new things
It just sucks I have to wait to start but I know its better to give my body time to heal.
I just wish it wasn't so financialy tough to wait we're now stuck here til Mid september like it or not with no income.
Anyways thats all I have for now.
First I want to make things clear,
I'm pretty trusting of my old doctor (although I have some small doubts)
Basiclly everything he did was acceptable in my treatment,
But I want someone who is willing to try new things not just stick to the same old,and someone who trys a little bit harder and is more thorough in the process,more blood tests etc.
And the 99% factor of why I'm not continuing with him is because he changed to a clinic with a bad reputation and my own instincts told me from once I went there that they just aren't right.
Now I'm back to the clinc where my first ivf was supposed to be,
the clinic with the best reputation in the country and I have the doctor with the best reputation.
Now there isn't many to choose from,
Its a small country and there are 3 clinics in my city (the capital) and there are about 3 clinics elsewhere in the country.
So what went down.
I had a few tests done will get the results back on July 2,
I have a cyst which is 2.5cm.
I'm not too surprised as its just 11 days into the cycle after failed ivf cd10 at the time of the ultrasound it could be worse.
My ovaries seem to have gone down in size and everything else is ok,
Except my lining is really thin but we think thats coz the cyst is eating all my estrogen so I can't get ready to ovulate or grow my lining.
I'm trying to get rid of this cyst naturally like I did last time and if not we'll see what happens
whether I need medications or not.
I'll probably have to take progesterone for 10 days to bring on a period then when I'm 21 days into the next cycle I'll get a shot of medication called dipherline and that well put me into down regulation as this time we're doing the long protocol (agonist) So that puts me at starting stims in somewhere in August.
I don't know everything yet but I know she also wants me taking some extra meds to improve quality of uterine lining and something to bring down my immune system to encourage implantion.
I'm excited and motivated to try new things
It just sucks I have to wait to start but I know its better to give my body time to heal.
I just wish it wasn't so financialy tough to wait we're now stuck here til Mid september like it or not with no income.
Anyways thats all I have for now.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
why does it hurt so much and the never ending wish to make everyone understand
I'm broken but I'm alive and I'm still here.
Like another girl who suffered infertility said 'I walked around those years like a zombie'
I go through life wishing it away for the pathetic hope that one day my dream will come true that the test will be positive and more so that one day I get to hold my baby in my arms, get to watch them grow,crawl,talk,walk
all the things that humans do.
I know that I am strong,
but I also know that I am more hardened,more bitter and more jealous than I've ever been in my life at the same time on the inside I'm tiny and fragile.
I believe in reasons,destiny and faith. I know that theres a reason this is lives path for me but I'm forever asking why and there is never any answer only silence.
Why did I fall into the 10% who have infertility?
why did I fall into the 1% of people who have ectopic pregnancies? and why did I fall into the 50% in my age group who don't get pregnant on there first ivf cycle?
Nobody knows nobody can answer this.
It took us 3 years to get pregnant with my ectopic.
In that time I had accepted myself as sterile and something came along and at the same time and smashed my heart with a sledgehammer and at the same time gave me this unbearable hope.
The tiny voice in my head that said and still says only quieter these days
'If you've done it once, you can do it again'
But 3 and a half years later,
one hsg,
5 iui's,
one more laparoscopy and 1 failed ivf
and I'm still here all I have is that tiny voice and I don't know whether to believe it anymore.
I don't know if I can give up.
The facts say I need to give this 4 cycles and then consider moving on.
So thats 3 more trys,
sounds like a lot of money and a hell of a lot of heartbreak not to mention a broken body physically.
But I know this is the road I will go,
because I am not capable of giving up no matter how much it hurts.
I just wish everyone could understand,
more so I wish no one was infertile only the bad people in this world.
but so far it seems to be the opposite most infertiles I have met are educated,intelligent and responsible people.
And I know 'fertile' parents can be great parents too but they'll never be as good as the infertiles because for them becoming parents was easy to achieve the hard part comes after.
For us the hard part is not one part it is EVERY part:
to get pregnant,to stay pregnant and to raise our children the best we can.
But we would be the best because we loved them and planned them for so long that if we can fight this battle.
we damn well would do the best for them when they finally come into this world.
Like another girl who suffered infertility said 'I walked around those years like a zombie'
I go through life wishing it away for the pathetic hope that one day my dream will come true that the test will be positive and more so that one day I get to hold my baby in my arms, get to watch them grow,crawl,talk,walk
all the things that humans do.
I know that I am strong,
but I also know that I am more hardened,more bitter and more jealous than I've ever been in my life at the same time on the inside I'm tiny and fragile.
I believe in reasons,destiny and faith. I know that theres a reason this is lives path for me but I'm forever asking why and there is never any answer only silence.
Why did I fall into the 10% who have infertility?
why did I fall into the 1% of people who have ectopic pregnancies? and why did I fall into the 50% in my age group who don't get pregnant on there first ivf cycle?
Nobody knows nobody can answer this.
It took us 3 years to get pregnant with my ectopic.
In that time I had accepted myself as sterile and something came along and at the same time and smashed my heart with a sledgehammer and at the same time gave me this unbearable hope.
The tiny voice in my head that said and still says only quieter these days
'If you've done it once, you can do it again'
But 3 and a half years later,
one hsg,
5 iui's,
one more laparoscopy and 1 failed ivf
and I'm still here all I have is that tiny voice and I don't know whether to believe it anymore.
I don't know if I can give up.
The facts say I need to give this 4 cycles and then consider moving on.
So thats 3 more trys,
sounds like a lot of money and a hell of a lot of heartbreak not to mention a broken body physically.
But I know this is the road I will go,
because I am not capable of giving up no matter how much it hurts.
I just wish everyone could understand,
more so I wish no one was infertile only the bad people in this world.
but so far it seems to be the opposite most infertiles I have met are educated,intelligent and responsible people.
And I know 'fertile' parents can be great parents too but they'll never be as good as the infertiles because for them becoming parents was easy to achieve the hard part comes after.
For us the hard part is not one part it is EVERY part:
to get pregnant,to stay pregnant and to raise our children the best we can.
But we would be the best because we loved them and planned them for so long that if we can fight this battle.
we damn well would do the best for them when they finally come into this world.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
IVF no1 the end of that road.
Honestly I don't know how to convey my emotions about how I feel over what has happened the past few weeks. It looks like I made a bad call sticking with my doctor.
Its not his fault but he transfered clinics to one with a much poorer lab and reputation and I was informed only at my final ultrasound before egg retrieval.
I had a split second to make a decision and I chose to stick with him. My poor med filled brain was barely working at the time and I was still in shock.
I didn't know the clinic either so I hoped it wouldn't be so bad,
But on going there for retrieval we were shocked at this small place and when I met the embryologist my instincts said this is going to be bad, they didn't want us to go to blastocyst either.
Its so bad and I think its there fault I didn't have more embryos and some to freeze I mean we had 9 embryos,
a 100% fertilization rate,
all 9 where absolutely fine on day 3 and all of them were alive with no abnormalities on day 6 they just 'slowed down' I think that she just didn't know how to look after them :(
But yesterday we were in contact with the 'fertility association' and the woman who has also done IVF there and did not get pregnant said that in all her 6 years in the business shes never heard one success story from that clinic.
Of course I can say all this and we all know there was a 50% chance that it would failed anyway so we'll never know anything for sure.
Its just so sad to lose my doctor. I really believe in him as a doctor and we may use him for the cycle monitoring at his private clinic,
not at that place and then do the IVF at our chosen clinic.
We have 3 contenders:
one is a neighbouring country 300km away with a better price and success rate and long time in the business.
two: is the clinic we were supposed to go with who have a very good reputation and I know there embryologist for my iui days she has a good rep.
three: is another fertility clinic decent enough success rate,long time in the business.
I think the choice is mainly between one and two but we'll see.
I'm so upset not only did I lose my babies( to me it was a loss).
But I have to go through this again and we will send ourselves really broke this time but stopping now is not on option.
Thats what happens if IVF NO.2 doesn't work :(
Unless we get snowbabies this time we'll need to stop for minimum of 1 year and max 18 months.
I just put that max in now, because screw it I won't be waiting longer than that.
I'd probably hang myself, well not really but it would really push the limits of my sanity.
I've learned a lot this time I pray its enough to make IVF NO.2 be the one for us.
I know I need more meds next time my e2 levels were too low, he was conservative due to the fact it looked like I had so many follies on screen but so many of them turned out to be empty.
I'm also considering two transfers in one cycle .
put two on day 3 and another 2 on day 5 not sure if the other clinics will let me do this. My doctor would have.
We'll see its all a lot of maybes right now.
We're meeting with a woman from the fertility assosiation thursday evening then we'll have a lot more info.
Its not his fault but he transfered clinics to one with a much poorer lab and reputation and I was informed only at my final ultrasound before egg retrieval.
I had a split second to make a decision and I chose to stick with him. My poor med filled brain was barely working at the time and I was still in shock.
I didn't know the clinic either so I hoped it wouldn't be so bad,
But on going there for retrieval we were shocked at this small place and when I met the embryologist my instincts said this is going to be bad, they didn't want us to go to blastocyst either.
Its so bad and I think its there fault I didn't have more embryos and some to freeze I mean we had 9 embryos,
a 100% fertilization rate,
all 9 where absolutely fine on day 3 and all of them were alive with no abnormalities on day 6 they just 'slowed down' I think that she just didn't know how to look after them :(
But yesterday we were in contact with the 'fertility association' and the woman who has also done IVF there and did not get pregnant said that in all her 6 years in the business shes never heard one success story from that clinic.
Of course I can say all this and we all know there was a 50% chance that it would failed anyway so we'll never know anything for sure.
Its just so sad to lose my doctor. I really believe in him as a doctor and we may use him for the cycle monitoring at his private clinic,
not at that place and then do the IVF at our chosen clinic.
We have 3 contenders:
one is a neighbouring country 300km away with a better price and success rate and long time in the business.
two: is the clinic we were supposed to go with who have a very good reputation and I know there embryologist for my iui days she has a good rep.
three: is another fertility clinic decent enough success rate,long time in the business.
I think the choice is mainly between one and two but we'll see.
I'm so upset not only did I lose my babies( to me it was a loss).
But I have to go through this again and we will send ourselves really broke this time but stopping now is not on option.
Thats what happens if IVF NO.2 doesn't work :(
Unless we get snowbabies this time we'll need to stop for minimum of 1 year and max 18 months.
I just put that max in now, because screw it I won't be waiting longer than that.
I'd probably hang myself, well not really but it would really push the limits of my sanity.
I've learned a lot this time I pray its enough to make IVF NO.2 be the one for us.
I know I need more meds next time my e2 levels were too low, he was conservative due to the fact it looked like I had so many follies on screen but so many of them turned out to be empty.
I'm also considering two transfers in one cycle .
put two on day 3 and another 2 on day 5 not sure if the other clinics will let me do this. My doctor would have.
We'll see its all a lot of maybes right now.
We're meeting with a woman from the fertility assosiation thursday evening then we'll have a lot more info.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Embryo transfer
After all the battles ,pains and struggles .
We made it. We now have two blastocysts on board as of this morning.
Its sad we didn't have anything to freeze but we put back the strongest two now we hope and pray they'll make themselves at home until february 2011.
We made it. We now have two blastocysts on board as of this morning.
Its sad we didn't have anything to freeze but we put back the strongest two now we hope and pray they'll make themselves at home until february 2011.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Really really scared
Yesterday evening they called day 4 and said although all 9 are still alive only 2 are exactly on time progress wise.
I'm so worried about them,
transfer is scheduled for day 6 saturday but I'm so worried that something will happen to my babies and we won't make it to transfer please pray for us anyone out there.
I'm so worried about them,
transfer is scheduled for day 6 saturday but I'm so worried that something will happen to my babies and we won't make it to transfer please pray for us anyone out there.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Egg retrieval and fertilization
So I had egg retrieval yesterday and I So feel it :(
I'm really sore and bloated worried about hyperstimulation but trying to rest and get plenty of liquids in.
I had a lot of pain last night and didn't sleep a part of the night due to that and anxiety.
Today we got the call all 9 fertilized.
Still need to make the decision to go to blastocyst or not.
We must make that decision tomorrow,
Its hard to know whats best but we can only make one choice and theres no going back.
I'm really sore and bloated worried about hyperstimulation but trying to rest and get plenty of liquids in.
I had a lot of pain last night and didn't sleep a part of the night due to that and anxiety.
Today we got the call all 9 fertilized.
Still need to make the decision to go to blastocyst or not.
We must make that decision tomorrow,
Its hard to know whats best but we can only make one choice and theres no going back.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Egg Retrieval Tomorrow
I'm absolutely terrified Egg retrieval is tomorrow.
I'm not scared of the pain I'm scared of the results, how many eggs will there be? how many will fertilize?
My E2 number is a lot lower than I expected makes me nervous, but it's all out of my hands now,
I can't make this any different than it is,
God please let this be our time guide me through this safely.
Now I'm just paranoid like
Am I in enough pain to have as many eggs as I have,or why am'nt I more bloated?
Crazy I Know I think my over medicated brain is irrational.
I am praying this will work out 6 and a half years has been such a long time, and We've been through a lot,
emergency surgeries on both Dh and me (at different times)
Radical lifestyle changes, planned surgery, ectopic pregnancy and 5 failed iui's
I've prayed and cried for this miracle for so long,
makes me wonder will my prayers ever be answered?are they meant to be?
I hope so, We both really do.
I'm not scared of the pain I'm scared of the results, how many eggs will there be? how many will fertilize?
My E2 number is a lot lower than I expected makes me nervous, but it's all out of my hands now,
I can't make this any different than it is,
God please let this be our time guide me through this safely.
Now I'm just paranoid like
Am I in enough pain to have as many eggs as I have,or why am'nt I more bloated?
Crazy I Know I think my over medicated brain is irrational.
I am praying this will work out 6 and a half years has been such a long time, and We've been through a lot,
emergency surgeries on both Dh and me (at different times)
Radical lifestyle changes, planned surgery, ectopic pregnancy and 5 failed iui's
I've prayed and cried for this miracle for so long,
makes me wonder will my prayers ever be answered?are they meant to be?
I hope so, We both really do.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Waiting for retrieval time seems like forever away
Well I had my appointment yesterday
I now have 24 follicles ranging from 7mm to 18mm a lot of them are over 11mm so thats good.
There are nine on my left ovary and 15 on my right.
My puregon dosage is now 100iu per day every day until Wednesday
On thursday I have my blood test in the morning,
ultrasound in the evening and if my blood results are not too high and my follicles have grown enough,
We will trigger so that could be on thursday evening or on friday depending how it all goes.
If my estradiol is too high then we have to stop everything and wait for it to go down.
Anyone whose reading this please pray for me that this won't happen as I'm scared what will happen to my follies if their left hanging.
I'm really anxious but trying to stay calm,
its just we've come so far and pumped my body full of these meds and I want to get my chance to do this, to make it to transfer (hoping for blastocyst) and then hopefully BFP after that.
I now have 24 follicles ranging from 7mm to 18mm a lot of them are over 11mm so thats good.
There are nine on my left ovary and 15 on my right.
My puregon dosage is now 100iu per day every day until Wednesday
On thursday I have my blood test in the morning,
ultrasound in the evening and if my blood results are not too high and my follicles have grown enough,
We will trigger so that could be on thursday evening or on friday depending how it all goes.
If my estradiol is too high then we have to stop everything and wait for it to go down.
Anyone whose reading this please pray for me that this won't happen as I'm scared what will happen to my follies if their left hanging.
I'm really anxious but trying to stay calm,
its just we've come so far and pumped my body full of these meds and I want to get my chance to do this, to make it to transfer (hoping for blastocyst) and then hopefully BFP after that.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
First ultrasound during stims
So yesterday I had my first follicle check cd6.
I have about 15 follicles mostly on my right ovary and only 3 or four on the left, the biggest is measuring 10mm so still a while to go
my meds are reduced to 100iu one day,150iu the next.
I was on 150iu every day for the first 3 days of stims.
I've had massive headaches from day one of the puregon but they come and go and I felt twinges in my ovaries from the day after the first shot.
I'm drinking so much water plus 1 protein drink per day.
I'm really nervous I'll get a lot of eggs but the quality will be poor, I've been preparing for months to prevent this with wheatgrass,nuts,seeds and protein supplements but you can never tell what will happen until it does.
I'm not feeling really well on these meds it seems to be getting harder but my doc checked my over and I'm still ok to go ahead its just the side effects are wreaking havoc on my body but it'll all be worth it if I get a positive end result. Thats what I'm really praying for thats what all of us out there battling infertility are praying and dreaming for and I really hope its true that 2010 is our year.
Babydust to everyone reading this who needs it.
I have about 15 follicles mostly on my right ovary and only 3 or four on the left, the biggest is measuring 10mm so still a while to go
my meds are reduced to 100iu one day,150iu the next.
I was on 150iu every day for the first 3 days of stims.
I've had massive headaches from day one of the puregon but they come and go and I felt twinges in my ovaries from the day after the first shot.
I'm drinking so much water plus 1 protein drink per day.
I'm really nervous I'll get a lot of eggs but the quality will be poor, I've been preparing for months to prevent this with wheatgrass,nuts,seeds and protein supplements but you can never tell what will happen until it does.
I'm not feeling really well on these meds it seems to be getting harder but my doc checked my over and I'm still ok to go ahead its just the side effects are wreaking havoc on my body but it'll all be worth it if I get a positive end result. Thats what I'm really praying for thats what all of us out there battling infertility are praying and dreaming for and I really hope its true that 2010 is our year.
Babydust to everyone reading this who needs it.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
IVF THE BEGINING OF A NEW JOURNEY
Monday 17th I had my cd2 scan the cyst is gone :)
Tuesday 18th (my moms birthday) I started my first puregon(Follistim)injection at 10pm that night at 150iu's dosage.
Wednesday I already feel alot of twinges in both my ovaries could be because of the cyst that burst or the meds starting to react even though its very early.
My first follicle check is tomorrow friday the 21st of may at 8.30pm.
Then we'll see how I'm responding will my dose go up or down or just stay the same.
Excited but nervous, today thursday morning I felt very nausous and couldn't stand up for longer than 20 mins with out feeling something in my ovaries this is all so different to me.
I have headaches on and off since the first injection and also feel emotional at times.
I'm eating 1 egg every day and drinking my protein drink as well as lots of fruit and vegetables and my pile of supplements. And drinking up to 2 litres of liquids mostly water every day.
I'm really praying this will work out for us because I'm so scared of how we will feel if it doesn't after so much effort physicaly,emotionaly and financialy.
Tuesday 18th (my moms birthday) I started my first puregon(Follistim)injection at 10pm that night at 150iu's dosage.
Wednesday I already feel alot of twinges in both my ovaries could be because of the cyst that burst or the meds starting to react even though its very early.
My first follicle check is tomorrow friday the 21st of may at 8.30pm.
Then we'll see how I'm responding will my dose go up or down or just stay the same.
Excited but nervous, today thursday morning I felt very nausous and couldn't stand up for longer than 20 mins with out feeling something in my ovaries this is all so different to me.
I have headaches on and off since the first injection and also feel emotional at times.
I'm eating 1 egg every day and drinking my protein drink as well as lots of fruit and vegetables and my pile of supplements. And drinking up to 2 litres of liquids mostly water every day.
I'm really praying this will work out for us because I'm so scared of how we will feel if it doesn't after so much effort physicaly,emotionaly and financialy.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
The final countdown for IVF
So I've neglected my blog lately,
I'm now back in Lithuania since April 26th, Things were very hectic.
Last monday the 3rd May I had my first appointment back with my fertility specialist.
I was 2dpo and at the time would could see on the transvaginal ultrasound,
that I had ovulated from the right ovary (my good side :) as I only have one full fallopian tube)
However I have a cyst (3cm) on my left side, potentially what's been making my cycles so out of whack the last 6 months.
Anyways if worst comes to worst I have to do 'long protocol IVF'
But if it goes away BY Af time then I will start stimming on cd3-5 of my next cycle.
It will be my first transvaginal scan on my period so not looking forward to that, but we have to do what we have to do.
Of course I'm hoping AF won't turn up at all :) but we'll see, need to wait another week to find out about that.
Dh had a new semen analysis on wednesday the 5th ( ironiclly our 3rd wedding anniversary)
The results were pretty good 60% good morphology, 84 million sperm per ml,30% fastest (A),50% (B) and 6%(c)not moving 14% (d) dead
Now is on exciting time maybe just maybe we can do this naturally or if not we get to start IVF and get a much bigger chance of having our much wanted child.
Its so hard to be positive all the time when you know that it might not work out.
It is such a huge investment physcially, emotionally and obviously financially we've wanted to do this for years especially since 2008 but it took us from april 2009 to now to save up enough money to do this and even then it will send us broke to do it but we're so over ready and we cannot wait any longer to take the next step.
I'm now back in Lithuania since April 26th, Things were very hectic.
Last monday the 3rd May I had my first appointment back with my fertility specialist.
I was 2dpo and at the time would could see on the transvaginal ultrasound,
that I had ovulated from the right ovary (my good side :) as I only have one full fallopian tube)
However I have a cyst (3cm) on my left side, potentially what's been making my cycles so out of whack the last 6 months.
Anyways if worst comes to worst I have to do 'long protocol IVF'
But if it goes away BY Af time then I will start stimming on cd3-5 of my next cycle.
It will be my first transvaginal scan on my period so not looking forward to that, but we have to do what we have to do.
Of course I'm hoping AF won't turn up at all :) but we'll see, need to wait another week to find out about that.
Dh had a new semen analysis on wednesday the 5th ( ironiclly our 3rd wedding anniversary)
The results were pretty good 60% good morphology, 84 million sperm per ml,30% fastest (A),50% (B) and 6%(c)not moving 14% (d) dead
Now is on exciting time maybe just maybe we can do this naturally or if not we get to start IVF and get a much bigger chance of having our much wanted child.
Its so hard to be positive all the time when you know that it might not work out.
It is such a huge investment physcially, emotionally and obviously financially we've wanted to do this for years especially since 2008 but it took us from april 2009 to now to save up enough money to do this and even then it will send us broke to do it but we're so over ready and we cannot wait any longer to take the next step.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
How Infertility changed things.
How Infertility has changed us,
I will never again be able to say 'When we have a baby'
it's usually 'if I get pregnant' or sometimes when I'm feeling optimistic in the ttc world I say I sure hope I will be pregnant soon myself, but deep down its always only 'if'
That's the way it's been for the past 6 years or so since I realised it probably won't just happen even though it did happen once but that was October 2006 which went horrifically wrong and nothing since then despite then both me and Dh weren't the fittest or healthiest then but
Ironically now we are both in peak condition living a super healthy lifestyle and fertility treatments and nothing.
I wake up everyday like this is a dream, then I remember its real and although I'm far from alone in infertility I've met so many who were or who are in my shoes,
It was simply a shock to the system to be 18,19,20 and just not get pregnant easily then finally get their at 21 to end only to in surgery and pregnancy loss.
And the renewed hopes of the years of 21,22 thinking it would happen, because it did before.
I had my first IUI at age 22 by age 23 I had 3 failed iui's.
I know age is just a number but in the fertility world it matters and it made me feel like such a failure as this is the time that your supposed to do it 'once' accidentally and your guaranteed to be knocked up.
I had to learn the hard way that is not true for everyone.
So what good has come of Infertility?
Well both Dh and I no longer smoke and haven't done so for years,
We don't drink, We both lost weight and have maintained the loss,
We exercise,
We have routines and we keep a very healthy lifestyle which is wonderful for us.
Relationship wise it has brought us closer and closer together he was there for me through all my doctors appointments and procedures.
Sometimes its really hard for him as I get emotional and cry alot.
But We always feel like its just Us against the world fighting together side by side because in our real life few understand and many don't even attempt to.
But it's not too bad all the time
We understand each and we can talk about anything we try to never repress any of our feelings, We disagree often but we always come to understand the other side.
I really hope people don't perceive this as a big pity party because it's not
Infertility has made me stronger,
made my marriage strong and has made us fighting fit.
I'm somewhat religious and I believe in a way that we are being tested in life.
I have a message for 'him'
I think we're ready already to move on to the next level please let the next great test in our lives be parenthood.
I will never again be able to say 'When we have a baby'
it's usually 'if I get pregnant' or sometimes when I'm feeling optimistic in the ttc world I say I sure hope I will be pregnant soon myself, but deep down its always only 'if'
That's the way it's been for the past 6 years or so since I realised it probably won't just happen even though it did happen once but that was October 2006 which went horrifically wrong and nothing since then despite then both me and Dh weren't the fittest or healthiest then but
Ironically now we are both in peak condition living a super healthy lifestyle and fertility treatments and nothing.
I wake up everyday like this is a dream, then I remember its real and although I'm far from alone in infertility I've met so many who were or who are in my shoes,
It was simply a shock to the system to be 18,19,20 and just not get pregnant easily then finally get their at 21 to end only to in surgery and pregnancy loss.
And the renewed hopes of the years of 21,22 thinking it would happen, because it did before.
I had my first IUI at age 22 by age 23 I had 3 failed iui's.
I know age is just a number but in the fertility world it matters and it made me feel like such a failure as this is the time that your supposed to do it 'once' accidentally and your guaranteed to be knocked up.
I had to learn the hard way that is not true for everyone.
So what good has come of Infertility?
Well both Dh and I no longer smoke and haven't done so for years,
We don't drink, We both lost weight and have maintained the loss,
We exercise,
We have routines and we keep a very healthy lifestyle which is wonderful for us.
Relationship wise it has brought us closer and closer together he was there for me through all my doctors appointments and procedures.
Sometimes its really hard for him as I get emotional and cry alot.
But We always feel like its just Us against the world fighting together side by side because in our real life few understand and many don't even attempt to.
But it's not too bad all the time
We understand each and we can talk about anything we try to never repress any of our feelings, We disagree often but we always come to understand the other side.
I really hope people don't perceive this as a big pity party because it's not
Infertility has made me stronger,
made my marriage strong and has made us fighting fit.
I'm somewhat religious and I believe in a way that we are being tested in life.
I have a message for 'him'
I think we're ready already to move on to the next level please let the next great test in our lives be parenthood.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Whats going on with me now
April 8th another bfn :(
April 9th Af started so here we are now at cd8 of cycle 38 trying to conceive since my ectopic pregnancy.
This is probably my last 'natural chance' cycle as I'm due to start IVF in mid May if my cycle doesn't go awol again.
1: I'm doing wheatgrass (doing this for the past 3 months ) 2:
Pineapple after ovulation and before too in the earlier stages of cycle as it boosts uterine lining but not too close 'o' as it can cause acidic Cm (cervical mucus)
3: Evening primrose oil 1000mg x 3 times daily until 'o'
4: benylin cough syrup for me and dh in fertile window to thin my cm and thin out his semem. Been doing this for about 6/7 cycles mostly focusing on Dh due to his previous viscosity issue.
5:All our usual healthy living,supplements and rountines. And of course temping and opks.
Quite nervous about IVF We have all the meds now awhole lot of them, all the needles and the puregon (follistim in america) injector pen.
For us its a little more complicated as we're supposed to fly on the 25/26th of April to my husbands country for treatment then have my pre ivf scan/ultrasound either before or during Af (eek) to check for cysts then we start hopefully around May 11-13th.
We don't know what will happen to our flight,
as all of european airspace is in standstill (closed airports) due to a volcanic ash clouds from on erupting volcano in Iceland.
Hopefully it stops soon as there is talk of flight restrictions of up to 6 months depending on severity.
April 9th Af started so here we are now at cd8 of cycle 38 trying to conceive since my ectopic pregnancy.
This is probably my last 'natural chance' cycle as I'm due to start IVF in mid May if my cycle doesn't go awol again.
1: I'm doing wheatgrass (doing this for the past 3 months ) 2:
Pineapple after ovulation and before too in the earlier stages of cycle as it boosts uterine lining but not too close 'o' as it can cause acidic Cm (cervical mucus)
3: Evening primrose oil 1000mg x 3 times daily until 'o'
4: benylin cough syrup for me and dh in fertile window to thin my cm and thin out his semem. Been doing this for about 6/7 cycles mostly focusing on Dh due to his previous viscosity issue.
5:All our usual healthy living,supplements and rountines. And of course temping and opks.
Quite nervous about IVF We have all the meds now awhole lot of them, all the needles and the puregon (follistim in america) injector pen.
For us its a little more complicated as we're supposed to fly on the 25/26th of April to my husbands country for treatment then have my pre ivf scan/ultrasound either before or during Af (eek) to check for cysts then we start hopefully around May 11-13th.
We don't know what will happen to our flight,
as all of european airspace is in standstill (closed airports) due to a volcanic ash clouds from on erupting volcano in Iceland.
Hopefully it stops soon as there is talk of flight restrictions of up to 6 months depending on severity.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Recap of our past infertility treatment:
After 3 years ‘trying’ but not ‘trying’ in September 2006
We conceived but it was on ‘ectopic pregnancy’ which ruptured and threatened my life and I lost my left fallopian tube and ended up with a laparoscopy that led to a laparotomy (open surgery) due to internal bleeding
Despite being just 21,
I was devastated by the loss and desperate to confirm if my remaining tube was ok and what would happen to me now,
Despite all this I had ‘hope’ if we conceived once; my reasoning is we would probably conceive again and soon.
I joined fertility friend in January 2007 I temped for 14 consecutive months with ‘perfect’ ovulatory charts every time and ‘high’ ratings all the time on the intercourse timing.
I have also done opks for a total of 3 years now.
I still use fertility friend I’m on my third v.i.p membership and I track my cm and all my symptoms and the million supplements we take and the strange things we do.
I just lost the will to temp and I don’t know if I want to go back to it,
As it definitely didn’t help me conceive and I know when I ovulate by my fertile signs and by using opks.
I got a HSG done 6 months after the ectopic and after 4 months of official proper trying to conceive in April 2007.
This was 'hell on earth' as my doctor didn’t tell me to take any painkillers.
I screamed the place down but I made it through, to find out my right tube was clear.
We had timed intercourse that cycle I had an ultrasound and was told when to baby dance. The result = 0
So next time we went back was at 10 months trying to conceive post ectopic.
Dh had his first semen analysis the results weren’t so great he had high viscosity (thickness of semen) and motility wasn’t the best but his count and morphology were both high on the good side.
So IUI was recommended.
We did a monitored cycle that time we had our first trigger shot (pregnyl) but unfortunately it didn’t work so,
November 2007 Our first IUI a lot of hopes it was a natural IUI no fertility meds just a trigger shot for my one follie. The result was a devastating bfn; somehow we really thought this was ‘it’ for us,
This was the naivety of a couple just starting out in fertility treatments.
December 2007: 2nd IUI Time to start Clomid 50mg at my request two perfect follies and again BFN
Then we took a break for finances.
February 2008: IUI no.3 clomid 50mg two follies and as always a big fat negative at the end.
November 15 2008: My Laparoscopy cycle which included a follow up ultrasound and trigger shot cycle sadly bfn despite my optimism.
December 2008 : Our Christmas ‘hope’ cycle 3 follies everything was great ‘high hopes’ ended in tears on New years eve and a lot more on New years day .What a way to ring in the New year.
October 2009: ‘last chance’ IUI no.5: fantastic results 2 mature follies for me with Clomid 50mg and DH now well above normal in every aspect of his sperm
Count, motility etc.
My cycles began to go haywire progressively from august 2009, previously never longer than 35 days, November to January 41day cycle and January to march 7th a 57 day cycle.
But regardless we continue to ttc naturally.
March 2010: trying to conceive naturally while preparing for IVF,start date still unknown but hopefully to be sometime in May 2010.
We conceived but it was on ‘ectopic pregnancy’ which ruptured and threatened my life and I lost my left fallopian tube and ended up with a laparoscopy that led to a laparotomy (open surgery) due to internal bleeding
Despite being just 21,
I was devastated by the loss and desperate to confirm if my remaining tube was ok and what would happen to me now,
Despite all this I had ‘hope’ if we conceived once; my reasoning is we would probably conceive again and soon.
I joined fertility friend in January 2007 I temped for 14 consecutive months with ‘perfect’ ovulatory charts every time and ‘high’ ratings all the time on the intercourse timing.
I have also done opks for a total of 3 years now.
I still use fertility friend I’m on my third v.i.p membership and I track my cm and all my symptoms and the million supplements we take and the strange things we do.
I just lost the will to temp and I don’t know if I want to go back to it,
As it definitely didn’t help me conceive and I know when I ovulate by my fertile signs and by using opks.
I got a HSG done 6 months after the ectopic and after 4 months of official proper trying to conceive in April 2007.
This was 'hell on earth' as my doctor didn’t tell me to take any painkillers.
I screamed the place down but I made it through, to find out my right tube was clear.
We had timed intercourse that cycle I had an ultrasound and was told when to baby dance. The result = 0
So next time we went back was at 10 months trying to conceive post ectopic.
Dh had his first semen analysis the results weren’t so great he had high viscosity (thickness of semen) and motility wasn’t the best but his count and morphology were both high on the good side.
So IUI was recommended.
We did a monitored cycle that time we had our first trigger shot (pregnyl) but unfortunately it didn’t work so,
November 2007 Our first IUI a lot of hopes it was a natural IUI no fertility meds just a trigger shot for my one follie. The result was a devastating bfn; somehow we really thought this was ‘it’ for us,
This was the naivety of a couple just starting out in fertility treatments.
December 2007: 2nd IUI Time to start Clomid 50mg at my request two perfect follies and again BFN
Then we took a break for finances.
February 2008: IUI no.3 clomid 50mg two follies and as always a big fat negative at the end.
November 15 2008: My Laparoscopy cycle which included a follow up ultrasound and trigger shot cycle sadly bfn despite my optimism.
December 2008 : Our Christmas ‘hope’ cycle 3 follies everything was great ‘high hopes’ ended in tears on New years eve and a lot more on New years day .What a way to ring in the New year.
October 2009: ‘last chance’ IUI no.5: fantastic results 2 mature follies for me with Clomid 50mg and DH now well above normal in every aspect of his sperm
Count, motility etc.
My cycles began to go haywire progressively from august 2009, previously never longer than 35 days, November to January 41day cycle and January to march 7th a 57 day cycle.
But regardless we continue to ttc naturally.
March 2010: trying to conceive naturally while preparing for IVF,start date still unknown but hopefully to be sometime in May 2010.
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